Diary of a wimpy young adult

(Mood soundtrack Aaliyah)

I am officially 26 in t-minus 2 hours. Let’s get confessional.

I am often afraid. I’m afraid of falling and failing. I am afraid of losing more people I love. I am afraid I have no idea what I’m doing with my career.

My fears manifest most powerfully in my dreams;  just the other night I had to stab a hungry zombie to prevent it from eating my grandma. Nothing like a good night’s sleep.

The worst, though, is when fear manifests itself, slowly but surely, in your waking life decisions. Let’s take the example of skiing: an activity that makes me perspire like I’m about to nose dive off the empire state. I’m convinced that I’ll end up another statistic of some freak accident;  I even bought SMART accident insurance. The daunting steepness, the slippery ice, the screaming wind; I feel like Alice plummeting down the rabbit hole, except there is no wonderland.  So, logically, whenever there is a group ski trip planned: I go.

Am I insane? Probably. The thing is, for me, skiing has become a stubborn endeavor to conquer my fears. Because when I am stuck at the top of that frigid mountain, I realize, that in a worst case scenario, no one can save me but myself. So I get up, fall on my butt, get up, pop out of my skis, get up, cry, scream, and repeat the falling thrice more. I continue this exercise until I get to the bottom of the mountain.

Occasionally, every year,  there is a single moment when I feel like I’ve got it; that I’m flying over powdered purity; and I finally understand why New Englander’s dedicate their entire weekends to this premeditated type of torture.

And that’s pretty effing great. 

-writinginsoysauce 

4 Comments

  1. fmalangone says:

    I love this post. It’s healthy to be afraid but the feeling is that of being powerless and that isn’t a fun feeling. I think that you are one of the most real people that I know. Conquering your fears provides you with a freedom of sorts and I’m glad that you get that rush when you accomplish something like skiing down a mountain. You did really well!

  2. fmalangone says:

    I love this blog mainly because you always tell it straight, but I love this post because of the truth and reality of what you are writing about. It is perfectly healthy to be afraid… Some fears will manifest themselves and are inevitable; they will need to be taken in stride. The challenge and the reward comes when you conquer those fears, and you do that time after time. You are truly a role model in facing your fears and giving your fears proverbial face a punch in the nose. You did great at skiing and I enjoy seeing your face light up when you finish a run. That IS “Effing great”. Keep on keeping on you are doing superbly.

  3. love the post. fear can definitely control you. my own thoughts about fear, which are along the same lines.
    http://livingwithoutlimit.wordpress.com/2013/06/07/fear/

    1. ceceyuan says:

      Thanks Kat! Like you noted, it’s all about recognizing fear and MOVING FORWARD.

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