How To Deal With Duality: A Teacher’s Take

Dear Reader,

Have you ever felt on top of the world one minute just to fall on your face the next? You master 3 inch heels…PIGEON. You find the one…ICEBERG. You can have the best day ever and feel like sh*t the moment you walk home. Short of plugging back into The Matrix, how do we deal with duality?

Exhibit A: last weekend.

1. Ying: Love Sucks

The ex clearly cares. He started therapy, sends letters, shared my betrayal blog, and publicly apologized on facebook. However, rebuilding trust is a slow grind. The happy memories are rudely interrupted by his hands on some other girl’s hips. Cue rage dialing and f*ck yous.  Sacred incense burned. ‘Love is a lie’ chanted.

Come Sunday, anxiety drove auto-pilot.  ‘I can handle it’ affirmations morphed into ‘WHY MEEEE?!’ The hummus-avocado baguette from my favorite cafe tasted like nothing. Speed walking got me stuck behind  a guy caressing the back of his girlfriend’s neck like Noah from The Notebook. OH GAWD. I barreled through oncoming traffic to cross. Naturally, I ended up behind another couple.

Preach

2. Yang: Thank Universe 

The spirits heard my pain and answered. Outside my photography class, a woman oozing euro-hippie-chic dangled a cigarette in the sun. Her pale-green pashmina, flowing black dress, free people boots stood out in a sea of conformity. She smiled: the kind that emanates from the soul. Hello Teacher!

In open-book fashion, I blurted out my 3 month elephant internship news, expressing jitters about living in a remote village 5 hours from Pai, Thailand. The village is untouched by tourism, which means I’ll need to embrace being alone. I’d never heard of Pai till now: she lived there for 2 years.  “Such an artist town,” her doe-eyes lit up.

Since the other students were a no show, we shared an intimate session commenting on her favorite works. Ever wonder about your perception on life? Try this revealing exercise at home. Mine is ‘exuberant-optimism-pulverized-by-reality.’

Airbnb Busan

I felt embarrassed by my dreamer tendencies. “Please don’t change,” she encouraged. I told her about sharing my abortion on this blog. “I have goosebumps,” she wrapped her pashmina closer. I apologized for talking too much. “I’m just listening…you’re so beautiful,” her meditation voice soothed. Cue tears over pad thai.

3. Peace Be With You

Come sunset, we landed upon the inspiration behind this post. My philosophy: “Just as I’m starting to get my life together…BAM! D*ck-slapped.” Hers: “Wow, well said. You know, we all have ugly days. I just let myself feel it.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. In our world of Get-Over-It-Faster-On-Instagram, how do we allow ourselves to feel low? Do we give ourselves enough time to do so? Why is there so much pressure to be high performing when we really should be taking a break?  So how do we deal with duality? DON’T.

Don’t resist. Don’t force energizer bunny when you’re feeling ramen-for-days. Don’t tell your loved ones you’re OK, when you can’t remember the last time you showered. Don’t hide your demons in the closet. They won’t stay there for long.

DO allow crappy days to free up room for better ones. Do vocalize your monster so you can manage it. Do seek a professional healer for any unanswered questions.

Do take a mental health weekend where you only nurture yourself: that means saying no to other people. Let me know how it goes.

Remember: JUST DO IT! made Nike rich, but it’s a poor coping habit.

It’s OK to have bad days, too.

Teacher,

writinginsoysauce

Heaven Would Be A Love Without Betrayal

Dear Reader,

This is the diary of a girl with a shattered heart. I debated sharing this publicly, but I need to release. I’m also asking you and the universe for some much needed kindness and reprieve.

One month ago, the week of my birthday, I discovered Luis was cheating on me online with multiple women. We shared computers and his facebook was open. The bolded-black of blinking, unread messages from girls I knew not. After reading them with growing horror, I had to screenshot them as proof. Agony.

One of the most important questions in therapy is: ‘What do you need?’ The answer: space. We were sharing a home, I was financially supporting him, and I needed him OUT. One week later, he went back in Ecuador.

Last night, after persistent questioning on my end, and continued denial on his, he finally admitted the cheating happened in person. While in Korea, there was a girl in November at a club. Then there was his ex in Korea just last week. At least that’s what he’ll admit to.

Reality stopped making sense. How deep his lies go I’ll never know. The trust is so far gone. I have defriended him. No contact is best.

In the midst of shock, confusion, and grief, here’s what I’m processing:

1. I am worthy of commitment and honesty: core values of any thriving relationship. I have done nothing to deserve his destructive, inexcusable, deeply hurtful behavior. I will rise knowing I loved purely and faithfully. Dear reader, I’m certain of my self-worth. The journey continues.
2. My pre-therapy self would’ve internalized his misdeeds: ‘Is it me? Am I not enough?’ Fuck no. This 100% comes from his insecurities and need for validation. Days before his departure, he opened up about a serious childhood trauma that happens to 1 in 6 men. I believe him and have told him it’s not his fault. However, this does NOT excuse his actions. Cheating is not OK because you have unresolved issues. I hope he finds a professional to help him heal. Anyone can benefit from therapy.
3. We share a common background of rejection and abuse yet I thought we were both on the path to love and light. I was wrong. Healing is like climbing a ladder. If you have missing rungs,  you’ll plunge.
4. The love we shared was real. The joy we felt. The support we gave and received. We wouldn’t have lasted through 3 countries otherwise. Yet everything we built is SHADOWED by his deception. I was not in the relationship I thought I was. The blinders are off.
5. Friends ask: ‘Were there signs? Did you have this gut feeling?’ I wish. Wouldn’t it be nice if it were that easy? If I could just rationalize it with “Oh, he was a (insert-worst-insult-you-can-think-of) all along so good riddance.” No, that’d be a lie. I will not tell lies.
6. I am shocked. I am bewildered. How could someone be such a doting partner and an irresponsible jack ass at the same time? How does someone disassociate so much that they hide it from you and themselves? Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde are one and the same. It’s not going to make sense anytime soon. This will take time.
7. All actions have consequences, whether we want to face them or not. I’ve made many mistakes in my past. I’ve cheated and been cheated on. I was involved with a married man once. I learned the hard way about poor decisions. We live. We learn. Or we don’t. Self-destruction is a thorny road: blood on the leaves. THANK YOU to all those who’ve supported me, especially when I’ve faltered.
8. Since college, I’ve never been single. I’ve always been involved with someone casually or seriously. Time to try something different. For the rest of this year, I am committed to ACTIVELY being single. That means filling my free time with empowering activities: therapy, traveling, elephant research, writing, running, meditation, yoga, volunteering, going vegetarian. More life, less death. Like Whitney’s ballad: I’d rather be alone than unhappy.
9. These wounds will not heal with a quick and easy band-aid. You know what would help though? Making a Cry Me A River JT revenge sex music video.
10. What does it feel like to wake up with unfettered space in your mind and heart? I look forward to finding out. Humans of wisdom, do reach out 🙂

Took this at the Itaewon International Food Festival in Korea. We met in Ecuador. We made a home in Korea. Full Circle. To happier times…

Remember: you only know someone as well as they know themselves. Make self awareness your holy grail.

What do I know about myself? I have a big heart. I won’t give up on a love cuz of heartbreak.

Nevertheless, she persisted. Thanks Elizabeth Warren and Coretta Scott King. Jane Goodall and Lek Chailert. The list goes on.

Waiting out the darkness for eternal light.

writinginsoysauce