(No Name): 2 months in Ecuador and 7 How To’s

I’m falling in love with Ecuador. Like most special delights in life, it’s the unplanned and unexpected that make up a myriad of defining moments.

1. How to teach English

After a grammar exercise about The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, it quickly became clear that my high school students had no clue about Mark Twain nor slavery. Another asked me, one on one, if being gay is natural. I tell my students one thing: to always keep asking.  Never take my opinion for law.

Allow for distractions, the mind needs to breathe.

I’m aiming to get TEFL certified with the university this February in order  to continue a worldwide journey. Imagine this chinita in Columbia, South Korea, Thailand, UAE…wowsers!

2. How to travel successfully by bus

Do not rely on the Internet for timetables or routes. Ask at least 3 people on site including ticket sellers, taxi drivers, bus staff pitching to potential customers.  Do as the locals do.

No one sits in assigned seats. Be prepared to see people arguing over your seat and to find another one.

In order to meet friends at Quilotoa, my host dad crowd sourced to find out that there’s no direct bus from Riobamba to Latacunga. I needed to get off at some random, no name stop, then take a taxi to the main station. Alone and amidst a hailstorm.

My nerves were calmed only after sitting next to a nice lady named Faviola who happened to be going to the same place. We split a cab even steven. Yeats said it best: Be Not Inhospitable To Strangers Lest They Be Angels In Disguise.

By sensational serendipity, I arrived at the exact same time as my crew from Quito, despite departing hours apart and from different cities.

3. How to make the most of…

Otavalo: Use the buddy system to bargain. It’s cheaper to buy 2. Take your time browsing and getting price quotes before dropping your cash. Smile.

Go to the birds of prey show at Condor Park. Notice which beasts value freedom over food. Search for the heart shaped crater embedded into the side of the mountain.

Riobamba: Eat hornado de chancho (slow roasted pork with orgasmic thick, crispy skin). It will help you forget that on the 3 hour car ride there, you awoke from your nap to the symphonic chords of  a 10 year old puking profusely into a plastic bag.

Funda.

Quilotoa: Camp for free at crater lake. Bring tons of sweaters, snacks, water, tp. Warm yourself with Puntas(moonshine baby).

In ink black darkness, we climbed down a steep, winding sand-rock filled trail armed with 2 measly, Ecua phone flashlights. The 1 hour hike uphill in scorching heat is a doozie. PLEASE SKIP riding the donkeys/horses: their legs are far more fragile than yours. It’s tempting, I know.

Once you get uptop, reward yourself with grilled goat. Indulge in rich, meaty papas(potatoes)for days. Demolish another table’s full plate of leftovers.

I befriended a stray black lab mix who later summoned her 5 member pack of protectors (will work for food). Slept like a baby through a vicious dog fight. I’ve got 99 problems but No Name ain’t one.

Find big sticks if you venture into the surrounding wilderness. The dogs are trained to aggressively guard the indigenous lands. Good news? You’ll hear them coming. Bad news? Our friend’s pant leg got nipped twice and I had to fend off rabies-r-us while it transformed my branch into a twig…with its mouth.

Adventure.

4. How to live with ever present danger

At night, four of my friends( both guy and girl together, local looking and gringo) have been robbed. Two of them at knifepoint. Scary, though the awareness these events are commonplace oddly comforts. Take a cab to your door if you live in prime-time petty crime neighborhoods like Foch.

If and when it happens, let go of whatever possessions you have.

Keep money in your bra. Always bring a friend to keep watch at the ATM.

Past 6 pm, I walk in a black, over-sized hoodie, hands stuffed in pockets(pseudo concealed weapon), ninja jaunt on, at an effin’ speedy pace. Better to be feared and/or too fast of a moving target.

If I outlasted Dorchester, MA…

5. How to learn any language

My host dad, in Spanish, asked me to keep the door unlocked for their return.

Except he had 2 moto helmets so I assumed there was an errand requiring me to get on a bike. To which I replied: muy frio (it’s too cold).

Read intent through the lens of body language, trust the vocabulary to expand after. Embrace the awkward because people will laugh. Laughter helps you learn.

6. How to survive a nightmare

I’ve met my favorite kind of people: survivors.

One spoke of nightmares: the kind that come when the brains of a 21 year old girl meet the concrete streets of Quito. Split seconds earlier, he’d asked his friend to slow down the motorcycle. It was all too late and far too fast for the boy high on adrenaline and the pretty young thang gripping tightly to his jacket. The friend lived, if that’s what you call it. Fate in the form of accident stole the show.

Another, an indigo child destined to change the world, sat with me on a grassy knoll of an unknown park next to a gaggle women in thick turquoise sweaters and prairie skirts. As they smoked their caramel cocoa cigarettes, she told me about how her boyfriend died, high on coke, his heart stopped. No, wait, that was another story. Hers killed himself.

Why must the best people be cursed with desolation? She cried and I felt her pain as my own for we have all loved someone who feels nothingness.

7. How pain begets joy

I said goodbye to a mosaic of circumstance, however difficult, for the possibility of a true-to-present self.

To find a real shot at the perfectly imperfect, you must continue learning: not the way you’d imagine through unaffordable degrees, but the school of life.

Travel, my friends.

The world is far too lonely. Give love to others, so they see less of your skin and more of your soul.

Let go of money to gain, whenever you can afford it. I used to make over 70k. Now I make less than $400 a month. You’d think it’d be more stressful with less money but it’s quite the opposite.

Relinquish the need for others to approve of your happiness and you’ll be one step closer. (Yes, I’m talking to you “be a lawyer-doctor-hedge fund manager or else” tiger parents.)

Help, however you can, in conversation or human touch, for richness comes in numerous forms.

Reach the eternal fountain of youth the instant you stop searching.

Love from E,

writinginsoysauce

My first week in Ecuador: the good, the bad, the what the eff?!

Hola amigos! I’m bed-ridden with a blah case of food poisoning. But I’m alive! Here’s to surviving my first week in Quito, Ecuador.

The good…

1. Your morning companions may include three mud-brown, shaggy, white-faced llamas brunching in a soccer field. Olé, Olé, Olé!

2. The air is crisp. The streets are cleaner than New York. 360 degree views of volcanic majesty. Come night, find yourself enveloped in a blanket of stars. Thousands of flickering lights emanate from densely packed homes. Lift your fingertips towards the heavens.

3.  Ecuadorean President Correa and I share the same hood. NBD.

4. Many of the middle class families have maids. I don’t have to do dishes Mon-Fri. There is a god.

5. On our first Sunday in Quito, a rare supermoon caressed a lunar eclipse. Atop the 8th floor rooftop, we marveled. Children laughed. Couples kissed. Gushing.

I’ll be 46 the next time such a splendid sighting graces the sky. The 2033 countdown begins!

The bad…

1. I have not been pick pocketed(yet), but 2 of our teachers weren’t so lucky. Strange men in a car tried to pick up one of our other male cohorts. Hold your bag the way you hug a body pillow: tightly, eyes forward, resting b&tch face on. Don’t carry more than $15 on you at a time. Don’t walk alone at night.

2. Scopolamine (originated from trees in Colombia)is date rape drug that turns you into a slave zombie. Its properties make you highly open to suggestion. You don’t remember a thing. If asked, you’ll help a thief rob your own house.  Watch your drink like a hawk.

3. Any amount of drug possession can lead to a minimum of 7 years in jail. They don’t feed you so meals must be brought by family and friends. Orange Is The New Black now sounds like Disneyland.

The what the eff?!

1. Unlike this idiot, be picky about what you eat. Avoid raw veggies, unpeeled fruits, which may or may not be washed properly, no matter how appetizing. Diarrhea is a universal language. Ecuadorean remedy? Oregano seeped in boiling water. Stay tuned for results.

2. Pain tolerance varies culturally. It’s low here. The two adorable host daughters (Marty y Lucy, 9 and 6 ) bumped heads on the trampoline and lost it. I’ve seen some epic tantrums at the YMCA but this was stage 5.  Should their ice cream ever fall off the cone, I’m booking it to the nearest bunker.

3. I have seen a total of three asian people. Estoy dodo bird.

No aguafiestas(Debbie downers) here! Have an incredible semana!

-writinginsoysauce

8 Philosophies For Your Friday

Dear Friends,

As life’s eternal protégé, cheers to an enlightened weekend:

1. Unconditional love exists. If you’re lucky, you were born knowing. If you’re brave, you shall seek. Be brave.

2. Skin fades. Voice doesn’t. Choose someone who serenades you every moment of every day.

3. It’s OK to fall in love with more than one person, especially if the other person is you.

4. Accept the kind of family you have. Build the kind of family you want.

5. A cry a day keeps the blues away. Grief is like storm clouds: the longer it gathers, the worst it gets.  Six years after losing a friend, I still get the gut-wrenching, abysmal, snot-splotchin’, not-cute-even-a-little-bit cry face. The difference? I allow myself to be sad.

6. Like all things in life, you don’t know till you know. Let your belief system be fluid.

7. “Accident ruled every corner of the universe except the chambers of the human heart.”  Believe in the serendipitous, but own your power of CHOICE.

8. The next time your lips move, skip the small talk. Dive deep into what matters. At first, it will make people uncomfortable. With practice, it will make you strong.

You think you have time for the human experience, but in actuality, it’s fleeting.

The good news?

So is pain.

Gone with the breeze,

writinginsoysauce

Once Upon A Blue Moon In Aquarius

Dear Friends,

9 months and 20 days ago, I took a hiatus from blogging.

1 week ago,  I lugged 15 lbs of tables and chairs to my 2nd year of Diner En Blanc. Kudos to the stranger who shared a jug of Simply Lemonade (not virgin). THANK YOU to my beautiful, ever blunt friend Christina who demanded I blog again(“I’d tell you if it sucked”).

Point taken.

4 AHA! MOMENTS 

1.The Mother Of All Journeys

Your friends are doing “adult” things. They are Zuckerberging (creating empires and mini me’s). Be happy for them. Show your support. Then continue doing things that make no sense to anyone else, but feel right to you. This September 19, I’ll be volunteer teaching in Ecuador for a year. Do I speak Spanish? Nope. Do I know what I want to do with my life? Not at all. Am I one step closer to figuring it out? F^_^ yes.

A wise man once said: What if the journey does not hold an all illuminating answer? What if the journey…is to keep having journeys?

2. Leave Your Heart On

I ended a 4-something year relationship. Breaking up sucks, but so do 99.9% of important decisions. A huge takeaway that seems obvious, but too few take seriously? LIVE TOGETHER. It’s a surefire way to understand whether you’re meant for longevity.

Oh, and I’m going to write more about sex. Before you get too excited, or grossed out, let me caveat it’s not the square peg round hole kind, but rather, the art of INTIMACY. Gorgeous, ecstatic, emotionally and spiritually-fulfilling intimacy, the kind that comes with the sweetest sleep you’ve ever known.  If we were taught intimacy-ed, instead of learning how to put condoms on moldy bananas, then maybe, just maybe, our grown-a$$ selves would have a shot at understanding the complex, encompassing, amorphous nature of love(gay, straight, purple).

Leave the lights on. Leave your heart on. Belove your pairdom. Delight in your singledom. Brace yourself for kindred spirits. When you seek a lifelong bond the least…the universe may beg to differ.

3. Let Me Take A Selfie

It has taken me a long time to accept my family is ape-sh*t crazy: my verbally and physically abusive dad, my anxiety prone mom, my schizophrenic grandma. Would I drop everything to help them? Yes. Is it healthy for me to be in that head space more than once a month? Abso-fricken-lutely not. Share your family’s struggles: they are the truest extension of you. Denying their neuroses(or yours) is like Van Gogh trying to selfie without a mirror.

4. Unicorns Are Real

If you’re like me, music dominates your life. It’s hard to think with all that noise.  Take out your headphones. Listen to the wind tickling the trees. Observe. Reflect. Pray. Look up!

Once upon a blue moon in aquarius, you’ll stumble into a grassy knoll and come face to face with a unicorn: a person, place, or thing that alters the course of your destiny.

Forever? Forever ever?

Forever ever.

All my love,

writinginsoysauce

Tolstoy Knew Best

image

At 5:50 pm on September 23, I was strolling along the empty, post-apocalypse Pittsfield, MA, thinking “Wow these drivers are so nice to pedestrians,” when a mini van nearly sliced my legs in half at a STOP SIGN.

I was already in the road, directly in front of the car, and had to RUN so I could, well deeply put, not die.

The blue-eyed, mousy-brown coiffed lady squeaked “Sorry,” like she was apologizing to her kids for being late to soccer practice.

Me: “Are you kidding me? You were *this close* (hand gesturing) to hitting me!”

Idiot driver: “Sorry!”

Me: “Don’t drive if you’re not paying attention!” (rage with wisdom)

I diverted my angry eyes in the homeward direction not because I was causing a scene, but rather, I was inhabiting the road where other cars were trying to turn. Again, we New Yorker Mass Hole hybrids are exemplary examples for the swift footed.

Concluding thoughts?

1. Some dumba&& b**#@ almost killed me.

2. Damn health insurance. It’s never there when you need it.

3. Live writing. Die writing.

At my it-almost-happened wake, strangers would sigh over my sexy as hell embalmed body: “*Sniffle* So young. So talented. So smart. To think she just started doing something she loved.”

I can think of far worse eulogies.

-writinginsoysauce

 

A Blood Red Sun at Diner En Blanc

If you dream of Great Gatsby, or want to live like Gossip Girl for a night, then you’ll want to read about Diner En Blanc.

What is Diner En Blanc?
~~~~~~~~~~~
Pick out your finest white attire. Get your flapper on.
Bring your nicest most portable eats, tables and chairs
Meet your 4,000+ friends, also wearing all white, in Manhattan.
Wait until you receive the SECRET location. Shhh.

Start
~~~~~~~~~~~
Wear deodorant. Lots. Only Beyonce can pull off sweaty-face.
Find group leader Vanessa in FiDi.
Do not get 50 shades of hangry.
Wipe sweat away with toilet paper(white).
Secret location is battery park. A miracle since you live on wall st.
Set up your dinner table in the grass.
Admire the guy making his own sangria.
Envy the lady who brought homemade cucumber VODKA.
Wait for the signal: napkin twirling.
Three words: Drunken.Goat.Cheese.

Middle
~~~~~~~~~~~
Cheer for the violinist in a crop top with neon green highlights. Bet her tiger parents did not see that coming.
Wave to the helicopter insect in the sky. (It’s a camera)
Bring last bottle of rosé to the dance floor(lawn). Share.
Swing. You’re not a day older than 5.
Introduce self to adorable high schoolers on a first date.
Proclaim the importance of love to them.
Watch them leave.

End
~~~~~~~~~~~
Play hopscotch with a shy little boy. Make him smile.
Shoot 3 pointer in a skirt. (Watch your roommate do it. You are too drunk)
Walk home without shoes.
Pinch your cheeks cuz you can’t stop smiling.

We are a city of blood red suns. We don’t know any different. We never will.

-writinginsoysauce

TOM HANKS IS A TYPEWRITING GENIUS!

After my visit to Shakespeare and Company a la Paris last week  I’ve been obsessing over how to buy a vintage typewriter that 1. never breaks and 2. doesn’t shatter my piggy bank. All hope was lost. Until…

BEHOLD! The Hanx Typewriter APP! With this baby, you should be able to type, share and print!  Looks gorgeous so far on my iPad.

My celebrity obsession with People.com actually led to something useful.  Who woulda thunk it?

Forrest Freakin’ Fantastic Gump just brought oldie but goodie to an astronomical level!

Blog_Tom_Hanks_Typewriter_App_Trust in the universe,

writinginsoysauce

 

Post Europe 2014 Decisions!

After an AMAZING trip to Germany, Italy and France(more to come), I’ve made a few key decisions:

1. I’m 100% applying for an MFA this fall.

2. Writinginsoysauce is the right place for my blog. The one with my name is way too corporate. Just like the past 5 years of a my life.

3. I will STOP being a perfectionist about all my blog posts. The control freak side of me needs to let go. So what if it’s a sloppy mess? Writing should never be about perfection. This means I’ll be sharing my DRAFTS *Gasp* with the world. Hoping you’ll have me.

4. Social media is the source of all my stress. I went 2 weeks without it and DAMN, I feel good.

Lots of love,

writinginsoysauce

B is for Bully

b-is-forThis post is for the bullies who never stayed in the sandbox: CEO’s, Heads of Marketing, Captain’s of the police force. To most people,  they’re functional, funny, even charismatic members of society. Don’t let them fool you: bullies are ruthless when it comes to power. They are experts at manipulation. Slowly but surely, they’ll try to make you feel less. If you have potential, you are a threat. Cute, isn’t it?

Here’s the good news: YOU are a better and happier person than they’ll ever be.  How am I so certain? Because bullies are hollow, fragile shells. They grasp desperately to the seams so the ugly won’t spill out. But you can’t hide cruelty forever. Eventually, it leaks.

When dealing with a full-fledged bully, know this: it’s not your fault. Bullies will never take responsibility. They will make up any excuse, any cover story to make you the root of the problem. Trust your gut here. You’re not crazy. Shall I remind you why? Bullies are extremely insecure. Bringing pain to others fills the cavity in their souls. They want you to scream, curse, cry, react. When you don’t give them what they want, they get meaner. Like a rabid dog gone “red”, you must be the Cesar Millan of the situation. Manage your energy, conserve it. Stay calm. Stay assertive. When possible, walk away.

Most importantly, pray they don’t have a pet.